


Introspection

by LanternJawedStudmuffin



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Awkward Boners, Biromantic Autosexual Lesbians, Bisexual Character, Canon Era, Character Development, Clit Stimulation, Demisexual Character, Established Relationship, Existential Angst, F/F, Keyblade Training, Lions Having Deep Conversations, Masturbation, Multi, Polyamory, Pride Rock, Self-Discovery, Self-cest, Sexual Experimentation, Sharing a Body, Teenage Hormones, self-care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-09-01 14:55:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8628679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LanternJawedStudmuffin/pseuds/LanternJawedStudmuffin
Summary: Set between Dream Drop Distance and KH3.
So much is new to Kairi - wielding the Keyblade, her relationship with her boyfriends - and it's understandable she isn't ready for things to move as fast as Sora and Riku want. But then, her heart isn't just her own, anymore, and that's an experience all its own.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic follows the same canon as our previous fic, [ Parasomnia](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4936192/chapters/11327116), but it's not necessary to read that one to understand the plot.

It was unusual for the three of them to be able to comfortably share a bed, but the Radiant Garden inn had provided a king-sized mattress – quite a step up from the cramped bunks of the Gummi ship, or the single beds back at the tower. Sora was used to having to cling onto his bed partners or teeter on the edge when he shared with Riku and Kairi. Having the space was much nicer, and their cuddling was a great deal more satisfying for it.

Sora was in the middle, Riku's 'little spoon' and his head against Kairi's shoulder, arms on her waist. The arm not barely supporting Riku's head was stretched over them both with his hand resting upon Kairi's hip, gentle even when he gave the softest of squeezes. Both her hands were moving even as Kairi dozed, lightly scratching Sora's head with one hand and brushing feather-light patterns on Riku's arm with the other.

This was, without a doubt, their favorite place to be.

“Hm...” Kairi's eyes only opened when Sora moved to wriggle back even closer to Riku, pulling her along with him. She needed to steady herself with a hand on Riku's side, and all the movement prompted Riku to open his eyes as well. For a moment, he thought someone might be getting up, and he pretty much melted when they all wound up closer together instead.

This was alright. Kairi could rest her arms under and on top of them both, now. The only reason she might ever want to sit up and step back from the moment was for the now-familiar urge to capture this moment – to sketch it out, draw the rare expressions of peace on her two boyfriends' faces. It was commonplace for her to want a tangible memory, now... Something she could make with her own two hands and hold, to look back on and know she'd been _there_ , a part of it.

Having proof of the memory only meant something if she got to experience it first, though, so she didn't sit up. She repositioned and copied Riku's posture, a hand going to his hip and giving a gentle squeeze in return.

A slow, lazy grin spread over Riku's face, and his eyes closed again. With her proximity, Riku idly noted that he could slide his hand down to her thigh... But he wouldn't, without express permission. Since they'd confirmed that they liked the idea of all three of them dating, though, those ideas popped into his head more and more often.

He wasn't alone in that. Almost drunk on affection for them both, Sora gradually became aware of some... parts of Riku and Kairi that were almost pressed against either side of him. That easily _could_ be pressed against him if he moved, just-so. They were both _so warm_.

Riku settled more with a deep, quiet sound of contentment that was ten times more suggestive against Sora's ear. He tensed slightly, blood having started to rush down Sora's body at the first thought of his partners' proximity. Likewise oblivious, Kairi had relaxed onto the pillow next to him and immersed Sora in the flowery scent of her hair.

Oh god, he was drowning in how appealing they were. Sora squeezed his eyes shut, willing away his reaction before anyone noticed.

Riku's brow furrowed, feeling Sora's shoulders stiffen. “Everything okay?”

“Yep,” Sora squeaked.

Kairi's eyes opened, noticing how scrunched his face was. “Sora...?”

“It's all good!” he insisted, and did the only thing he could think of, which was to turn towards Riku. If he did notice, maybe he'd be cool about it.

Riku did, in fact, notice. His face went pink. “... Right...”

Still confused, Kairi compensated for Sora's shift by snuggling up to his back, her lips innocently near the nape of his neck.

He was defeated the moment she exhaled against his skin, raising the short hairs there. A shiver wracked him and dislodged the helpless longing noise he'd tried to contain. Riku's blush rapidly deepened, almost frozen, and Kairi's suspicions were both roused and confirmed with just a look at him.

“Um...”

Sora wriggled closer to Riku, which only succeeded in prodding him in the thigh with his erection. Really, Sora wasn't sure why he'd expected that to help.

Glancing away in sympathetic embarrassment, Riku sat up a bit more and cleared his throat. “Do you... want some help with that, or should we give you some alone time?”

“I'm sorry, guys,” Sora groaned, covering his face with his hands. “I just want to keep doing this... Did I ruin it?”

Kairi had gone pink, as well. “You didn't ruin anything. You... You couldn't help it...”

Looking between them, Sora sat up and whined. “You're both _so_...” he made a strained gibberish sound, words apparently inadequate.

Almost too flustered for words, Riku tried _very hard_ to sound like he was keeping cool. “It happens, Sora. Don't feel bad.”

“What do you want to do about, um... about it?” Kairi questioned carefully.

Sora hesitated. Mortification had done nothing to cool his arousal. “... It's too soon to _do_ anything...”

“Is it...?” Riku tried to sound casual.

“Isn't it?” Sora asked blankly, and glanced nervously at Kairi.

She was starting to understand that this was going to be left up to her. She was as touched as she was exasperated. “I didn't realize you two were waiting on anything...”

“Not _waiting_ ,” Riku said immediately. “It's not like we're expecting you to -...”

“Right!” Sora chimed in. Kairi raised an eyebrow.

“Have you talked about this before?”

Swallowing, one of Riku's hands went to his forehead under the guise of adjusting his hair, kind of mortified. “Only a bit.”

“You think maybe we should _all_ talk about this?”

About to protest, Sora's voice died away. He hoped the bed would get around to swallowing him whole, soon. “You want to?”

Riku glanced away. He couldn't get over that feeling, like anything he said on the subject might wind up making either of them feel like he expected something... Kairi in particular.

“I want to know what's up with you two,” Kairi crossed her arms. “ _Honestly.”_

“Well,” Sora glanced down. “Uh...”

“I don't want to pressure either of you,” Riku mumbled.

“You're not pressuring me,” Sora reassured him quickly. “B-but I don't want to move too fast for anyone. I mean, Kairi, you probably don't even _think_ about this stuff.”

“Yes, I do.”

Two sets of wide eyes flicked towards her. Thinking about _Kairi_ thinking about sex was not helping Sora's predicament, and Riku was visibly taken aback while also feeling very stupid for being surprised. Kairi lost some of her indignation, blushing deeper.

“Not all the time,” she clarified defensively. “But, we're together, it's normal to be curious.”

Riku coughed lightly. “Nothing we do is too fast or too slow, if everyone is comfortable with it.”

“Are you sure?” Sora asked Kairi, not even thinking to check with Riku.

“I'm not the only one who has to be sure! You guys are...?”

“I just want to do everything I can with you and Riku,” Sora replied genuinely.

Though reluctant to answer, Riku couldn't help but throw Sora an affectionate look at that. “... I love you both. I want to do whatever I can to show you how much.”

“I feel the same way,” Kairi agreed.

“So, you both want to?” Sora couldn't help but look hopeful. “Now?”

“... I do,” Riku declared cautiously.

“I'd like to try... Maybe not all the way yet, though.” Kairi had no reason to doubt her own certainty, but something about 'all the way' still said _too fast_ , to her subconscious.

“That's okay!” Sora hadn't figured out how that would work with the three of them, anyway.

Riku stamped down anticipatory nerves. “How do we do this? How should we _start_...?”

“Do we take clothes off first?” Honestly, Sora was a little impatient to see the both of them... grown up. “Or do kissing for a while...?”

“We could work up to it...” Kairi was surprised to find she was nervous about taking her clothes off, suddenly. Out of everything they could do – _would_ do – she'd expected that to be the easiest thing to do, the comfort of childhood states of undress supposed to have taken away those inhibitions.

This was just... different.

“We'll do what feels right,” Riku determined. He was pretty sure he was expected to take point on this, and started just by kissing Sora's cheek and wrapping them both up in his arms. Uncertainty melted away and Kairi giggled, kissing Riku's cheek.

Every touch felt more intimate now. Sora's hand cautiously returned to Kairi's waist and his head tilted up to seek the closest pair of lips, which happened to be Riku's. He kissed back gladly and let his hand drift, though this left Kairi in the strange position of having to work out what to do with herself. She wasn't bothered, though, and settled on running hands up through each one's hair.

Sora moaned, easily overwhelmed by the two of them touching him. Always responsive to his hair being played with or stroked, Riku tilted his head into her hand and ran his hand carefully up and down over her hip. He wasn't sure where the 'not okay' line was, but Kairi made that decision for him by sitting up higher on her knees.

Breaking the kiss, Sora nuzzled into his neck and Riku's hand skimmed Kairi's leg. He withdrew it, though, to tentatively draw Kairi over to kiss her as well, and her hand drifted through his hair again as she tilted her head to meet it.

Their kisses were always softer. Kairi wasn't guided by instinct as well as Sora was, and Riku tended to be gentler with her on reflex... Which was saying something, as he'd yet to stop treating either one of them like they were precious glass.

Thus, it was an accident when Riku's hand went to Sora's side and hitched up his shirt. He definitely wanted to encourage it, though, wriggling his fingers under the hem of Riku's shirt in turn. Sora was a little less intimidated by the idea of seeing Riku undressed first, since they saw him shirtless all the time.

“Mm...” Still vaguely flushed, Riku drew back to tease dryly. “You want the shirt off already?”

“Maybe? Can it be?”

Kairi glanced between them. “I don't mind.”

“Alright, in that case...” Riku sat up to remove it. He at least wasn't embarrassed to take his clothes off, and actually gained some confidence in doing so.

Sora lost his own in a flash, letting it join Riku's on the floor, and a coy little smile spread over Kairi's face. She could certainly appreciate how much they'd both grown and how their adventures had filled them out.

Half-distracted by Riku's chest, Sora became a little lost on the next step. Thankfully, Kairi leaned in to take Sora's hand and kiss him, curious as to how they might be different – they'd all kissed before, but it'd always been chaste. As was his way, Sora wrapped Kairi up in his arms, and she giggled against his lips.

Riku was more turned on watching them kiss than he expected to be, but he couldn't _just_ watch. He settled beside Sora again and kissed his shoulder because it was there, reaching over to skim his fingertips across Kairi's thigh.

A little thrill went through her, nervous but not sure that was a bad thing. Her nightgown felt too thin.

Sora's happy noise was almost like a purr, and the room was suddenly much warmer when he felt Riku half-hard against his leg. He squeezed Kairi a little, and she could feel Sora's erection against her now. Instinctively she shifted back, breaking both of their contact with her, but covered it by trying to adjust the way they were lying together. Sora opened his eyes, realizing that their positioning _was_ kind of awkward.

Putting a hand on Kairi's shoulder, Sora began to direct her to lie back. “Is this okay...?”

“I think so...” She pulled her knees up slowly, her usual care in placing her legs when in a skirt kind of allowed to drop.

They both noticed, eyes drawn in fascination to the extra peek of leg. It was kind of nerve-wracking, and her blush deepened.

“... Uh-... So, Kairi in the middle?”

“That makes sense, right?” Sora slid onto one side of her.

“Yeah,” Riku agreed, settling on her other side and kissing her cheek.

Kairi smiled again. She needed to get over herself and relax...

One arm rested over her as Sora cautiously explored over her side and stomach – he _really_ wanted to move higher, but wasn't sure he should yet. Riku's hand inadvertently came to rest over Sora's, not paying attention as he dappled kisses from her jaw to her neck, but he kept it there with a light squeeze.

She liked that feeling. With a sigh, Kairi tilted her head back and draped an arm around the back of Riku's neck. With a breathless laugh, Sora leaned over her to pick their kiss back up, tentatively brushing her lower lip with his tongue. Gradually, she parted her lips – she _definitely_ wasn't used to kissing anyone like this, and she was having a little trouble keeping up with Sora's energy. He was a little clumsy and just as inexperienced as she was, but eagerness had him taking the lead.

His heartbeat picked up when Riku started to guide Sora's hand up towards Kairi's breasts, both of them thinking it might be better to try as long as the other was going for it too.

“Mm...” She was a little tingly now, with Sora gently palming her... but they were still kissing and it was becoming overwhelming, and she turned her head away.

“Still okay?” Riku murmured against her neck, careful as he felt over her breast.

“Mm-hm.” She was mostly sure it still was, though she could feel how turned on they _both_ were and she just... wasn't there, yet.

Missing her mouth but not minding its absence, Sora continued to feel her with fascination, giving Riku the idea to slide his hand up and down her thigh instead. Every time his hand moved up, though, something in Kairi's stomach tightened. She should be touching them, she thought, but any way she reached was awkward with the position she was in...

Sora started to tug questioningly at the straps of her nightgown, and Riku's hand skimmed under the hem.

“Mn...” Kairi sat up. She wasn't sure, anymore, but she had the uncomfortable feeling like she couldn't back out without it being unfair.

Contact broken, Sora tilted his head to sit up with her, and Riku's hand fell away with the worrisome sense that he'd been pushy eating at him.

“Do you still want to...?” Sora asked. He was kind of hoping she did, his arousal nagging at him so pressingly that it was kind of starting to ache.

“I do,” she replied hastily, “I do.”

“Are you nervous?” Riku studied her expression. The tension in her gut squirmed under the scrunity.

“... It's not that I don't trust you...”

“What is it?” Sora blinked, and Riku nodded to show he was listening.

Except, she kind of wished they _had_ said something at that point. Bringing her knees together, Kairi sighed. “I don't know.”

“... We don't have to do anything,” Riku said. “No one's upset if one of us isn't ready, right?”

“Nope!” Sora confirmed. Any sense of being let down was massively overshadowed by how much he cared about Kairi's comfort.

“Really? You're sure?” she looked between them both, paranoid that they didn't really mean that.

“Yeah. Of course.”

She knew the difference between Riku's tone when he was putting on a brave face, and when he meant what he said. Kairi's posture relaxed. “Thank you...”

Sora kissed her cheek. “No worries.”

“I love you both,” she took both their hands, the strangely unpleasant prickly feeling of being touched dying down. “You know that, right?”

“We know.” Riku sat up and kissed her temple. She smiled.

“If you two need to keep going on your own, that's okay...” Kairi only half-meant it. Part of her was still terrified she'd be left behind if she didn't keep up with them in everything, readiness for sex included.

“No way!” Sora made that worry moot. “We said we'd do everything together.

Embarrassed, Riku hesitantly muttered, “I might need to go shower, though.”

“Heh, yeah. Same.”

Kairi laughed, a bit giddy with embarrassment. “Okay.”

“Do you want to go first?” Riku offered.

“Yes.” Sora sounded a little strained, and it was so pitiful that Riku would have felt sorry for him if he hadn't also found it kind of funny.

“Go ahead,” Riku snorted. “I can wait.”

Hopping out of bed, Sora practically limped to the bathroom, and Kairi winced.

“Sorry...”

“He'll be fine. We both _are_ fine,” Riku stifled a snicker. “I guess I do feel kinda bad for him though. Sora's easy to rile up, I think.”

“I can't help it!” Sora called back, followed by the sound of running water.

“I didn't realize how much...”

Riku grinned sympathetically. “Neither did I.”

Kairi smiled back, but she still had that nagging feeling telling her she'd done something wrong. Riku smoothed her hair, then his own.

“... Really, though, it's okay. When you're ready... _If_ you are, I mean...”

She leaned against his shoulder. “I don't mind trying again some time...”

“Just say the word.” He wrapped an arm around her. “I love you... We both do.”

Warmed, Kairi said, “I know,” and meant it. They stayed like that until Sora came out of the shower a suspiciously short time later, after which he took Riku's place while he went to rinse away his own lingering erection.

She didn't voice what had just occurred to her, but couldn't shake it once it'd entered her head.

Was she really that reluctant to be intimate with her boyfriends... Or was Namine?

Kairi and Namine were one in the same, but she didn't know... she didn't _think_ she'd have been so reluctant, so skittish, before. When she was only a little younger, she'd thought how nice it would be to kiss either boy, how pretty Sora's smile or Riku's hair was. She'd always known that she loved them.

Sex was different, she supposed, but... Still.

Could that be the reason why?

  
  


* * *

  
  


The training regimen Yen Sid had set for them often took Kairi and Lea to different worlds, even if Riku and Sora couldn't always come with them. As two experienced wielders of the Keyblade, they were still being called upon to do various tasks, which left the other two on their own to practice.

Their instructions for today's lesson were simply to 'adjust', and there was plenty to adjust to; four paws, a tail, and holding a Keyblade between her sharp teeth, for example. The Pride Lands were hot and hazy, but she wasn't as claustrophobic as she would've expected to be with a thick coat of russet fur. Still, they'd agreed to stay within sight of the watering hole just in case the day got any warmer.

The watering hole was a popular spot, though, which Lea saw as an opportunity. He was hunched down, absurdly focused on his self-made mission to try – and so far fail, miserably – to hunt a gazelle, just to see if he could catch up to one.

Kairi indulged him mostly because it gave her the opportunity to take a break. Keyblade dissipated but ready to be summoned in she needed it, she lay in the tall grass with her paws folded, watching.

Lea had barely sprung before the gazelles were off and running. “Man, I think I was faster on two feet... Or subtler.”

Getting to her feet, Kairi arched dramatically as she stretched out her front legs, momentarily vibrating before walking over. She kept a safe distance between them, though, as Lea had opted to hold his Keyblade with his tail, making his control of it a little wild. “Don't feel too bad. The gazelles have been at this longer than you.”

“Between this and wielding a Keyblade, I feel like I'm new at everything,” Lea grumbled.

“... You too, huh?” Kairi mumbled, hanging her head.

“Talk about irritating.” His tail flicked in according annoyance.

“I just hope I learn to run without tripping over myself before Sora and Riku are here to see it...”

“Don't learn by chasing gazelles,” Lea recommended. “Bruises the ego.”

“How about a race to the water hole over there?” Kairi suggested. “That sound like a good lesson?”

“Why not.” Lea crouched and got a better grip on his Keyblade, fixing his eyes on their finish line.

Kairi had no idea why wiggling her hindquarters helped her orient herself when she hunched down, but it did. “Three, two...”

She sprung, and Kairi had to admit, she loved the feeling of leaping farther forward than she ever could in her real body. Lea launched himself at the watering hole, barreling at it as fast as he was able... which meant his control of his Keyblade wasn't his focus, and it accidentally knocked him off balance. Kairi only managed about fifty yards of racing across the open plain before her paws started to get tangled under her, her gait more 'stumble' than 'run'.

“Got to be quicker than that!” Lea had caught up and overtook her. She had to slow down to avoid sprawling, but it gave her the chance to regain her footing.

Kairi was gaining on him again. Impulsively, Lea sprinted forward... and plowed face-first into the dirt.

In good conscience, Kairi couldn't let herself run on more than a few steps. Skidding to a stop, she turned and called, “You okay?”

“Ow...” Getting up, Lea shook himself and groaned. “That's what I get for being cocky...”

He took off the last short distance to the watering hole, and Kairi watched him a second longer just to make sure he wasn't going to buckle. She lost her headstart, though, and Lea dived right past the 'finish line' and into the water.

Triumphantly, he shook water out of his massive mane. “And _that's_ what you get for worrying about the enemy. Got it memorized?”

Slowing down at the edge, Kairi leaned down to lap up a mouthful before she answered. “The point is to stop thinking you're the enemy.”

Lea laughed sheepishly, climbing out of the water. “Guess you've got a point.”

“You're not about to shake off on me, are you?”

“Don't worry, I was planning on drip-drying.”

“Thanks.” Kairi drank a little more before sitting back and licking her chops, satisfyingly replenished. Settling down daintily, she watched Lea sprawl out in his sun, his tail winding around so he could look at his fiery Keyblade.

This would be the opportune time to voice what she was thinking. Lea yawned wide, his tail twitching.

“... You don't talk much about what it was like,” she blurted while she still had the courage. “Being Axel.”

Lea's eyes had almost closed, but they opened at that. “... I don't think Axel was exactly popular.”

Startled by her own boldness (and sort of glad she couldn't blush through her fur; she'd meant to phrase that a lot more tactfully) she pressed, “But you do remember Axel?”

“I can't forget.” He made a sound that was meant to be a snort, but his feline vocal chords made it a growl. “He committed himself to my memory, too.”

Nervously, Kairi pawed at the ground. “Do you... feel like he's still a part of you, then?”

“Yeah. I mean... He changed me, but... I'm whole.”

She didn't know the best way to phrase her question, but was still sure Lea would know what she meant. “And do you ever have trouble telling... you know, what's Lea and what's Axel?”

“Sometimes.” Lea paused. “But it only bothers me when I catch myself thinking-... Or, being...” he trailed off. “... It's not a problem you'd have, I bet.”

Kairi glanced down at the water, and the reflection she didn't recognize. “I wouldn't know unless you told me what kind of problem it is.”

Lea was quiet for a moment. “... The Organization was dangerous, and Axel's whole existence was... Desperation. He did things I'd _never_ do... At least, that's what I tell myself.” His tail curled around himself. “But I know that's not true. I remember what it's like. Sometimes... I can't believe my life isn't _still_ like that. So I catch myself thinking about how to get what I need from people... When I should turn my back on them. Then I realize that's part of Axel's life, not mine.”

She wasn't sure if there was a right thing to say, so Kairi just inclined her head to show she was listening.

“Maybe the novelty of my heart hasn't worn off, but... I _feel_ a lot of things about him. About me.” Lifting his head, Lea seemed to almost read them off a checklist. “Guilt. Anger. Sympathy. Understanding. Hate. Compassion.” He glanced towards her. “It's a little weird, feeling that stuff for _myself_ , but it's just how it is. Is it different for you and Namine?”

“I'm not sure, but I do know what that's like,” Kairi took a deep breath through her nose. “There are times when I feel them slipping away. Riku and Sora. When they're off together like this, or going to bed at night, or when I mess up my training and I can see them slow down for me... I think, 'This is it. This is when they forget about me,' and I have to do _something_ , I have to do anything to make them care about me again. Even if it's a trick.”

She stared at the ground. It was hard to confess these things, but she didn't think she could've told anyone _but_ Lea. “Sometimes I even want to drive them apart,” she admitted, “but that doesn't last long. It's just like... an old habit I can't quite shake.”

“I know what _that's_ like. I wanted to monopolize people even before I was Axel.” Lea lowered his head onto his paws. “Being forgotten is... Scary,” he settled on the word lamely.

“It is,” Kairi said softly. “I don't even know if that's Namine. They left Kairi-... I mean, they left me behind so many times, it's like they could do it again any second.”

“You both spent a lot of time alone,” Lea agreed, watching her. “But, hey, I can tell they won't leave you. There _was_ a reason I kidnapped you, of all people. You're the one person Sora would come running for no matter what the danger... Riku, too. And Namine's part of you, so she's part of that.”

Kairi's laugh was more of a rumble. “Lea didn't kidnap me, though. And Axel... I know what he did for Sora, and for me... in the end.”

Automatically, Lea was silent. Whenever his death was mentioned, he seemed to withdraw into his own head, into the dreams that regularly plagued him. In those dreams, he had a chance to change the outcome, and he never did.

She was certain no one else had brought it up yet, but wondered whether or not she'd drive him away in doing so. Still, she was compelled to venture, “Sora also told me what Axel said to him, then. I hope that wasn't wrong of him...”

“It wasn't like it was a secret.” Lea's tail flicked a bit.

“Namine wants to see him, too.”

“... Even now?” Somehow, Lea thought it might be different for her, since Kairi was dating Sora.

“She never stopped.” Kairi paused. “That's... sort of what I wanted to ask you about.”

“Whether or not I still have feelings for him?”

“Not if you think it's none of my business. But I just wonder... do you want the same things Axel wanted, or... wants, when it comes to the things that really matter?”

Lea stretched out his limbs, appearing to think about it... but really, he was just stalling. “Not like Axel has a heart… but he knows _why_ they matter. We feel the same way about them. Saving the worlds. Sora. ...Roxas.” Lea gave her a look that was only a little challenging. “I do still feel for him. I don't know if it's love, because a lot was messed up and a lot still _is_ , but... That hasn't gone away.”

She was pleased to find out that she wasn't petty enough to hold Lea's feelings for her boyfriend against him. Kairi gave a little nod. “Do you ever worry you'll fall in love with someone else now that you -” she stopped, rephrasing. “Now that you're Lea?”

“Worry?” he gaze her a quizzical look.

“I mean, if you did, would Axel still hold onto Roxas? What happens if you want something Axel doesn't?”

“I don't think that's possible. Not for Lea. Or, Axel. Not for _either_ of us,” Lea shook his head. “If Lea gets bitten by the love bug, it's going to get Axel too. Even if one of us was still... You know. If nothing else, Axel would _understand_ what I'm feeling. He's feeling. And... he's on board, with that.”

The tip of her tail started to flick the water's surface, worry stirring anew. “You think so?”

“'Course. Part of being whole, isn't it?”

“You don't think you've ever forced him to feel what you feel?”

“To be honest, I'm still too glad to feel _anything_ to worry about where the feelings came from.”

“That's a good philosophy. I think.”

“Hey, I'm pretty wise,” Lea boasted. “Got it memorized?”

Kairi made another growling-laugh sound. “You'll give Yen Sid a run for his money.”

“I could put him out of a job, just give me a few years. I'd need a beard to go with it.”

“I'm not sure you'd rock the beard as well.”

“Aw, come on,” Lea protested.

“You've got so much hair already. Any more mane, and we'll lose you in it.”

“What about a mustache?”

“You'd probably burn it off. I never did ask what happened to your eyebrows...”

“You've asked me enough personal questions. I draw the line at my eyebrows.”

“Fair enough, but I won't be able to dispute any of Sora's theories about them,” Kairi teased.

Lea growled, but it wasn't in the least bit threatening. “At least I can keep some of my air of mystery...”

Attempting to stay lighthearted, Kairi started to get to her feet. “We can't stay here being lazy all day...”

“I just got _started_ being lazy!”

“Come on,” she plodded over and nudged her head into Lea's side, as if to roll him. “You can try with the gazelles again.”

Sighing, Lea got up and stretched. “They're laughing at me. I can tell.”

“I think if we can talk, we'd hear them laughing...”

“Mocking, quietly,” Lea growled. Despite herself, Kairi was amused.

“Then show them who's boss.”

“Alright, back to the hunt,” he announced, and started to slink off. Kairi summoned her Keyblade again, snatching it with her teeth to practice while Lea occupied himself.

No amount of training could stop the gears turning in her mind, though. If Kairi and Namine were on the same page when it came to Sora and Riku...

It wasn't only sex that was the problem. Something was _missing_ , something they weren’t providing. If they'd asked her, though, she wouldn't have been able to tell them what it was. She wasn't so sure there even really _was_ anything.

Which meant Kairi was the problem. Not Sora, not Riku.

She was just a terrible girlfriend.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Isolating herself wasn't a good solution for anyone, nor was it practical. The worse Kairi felt, the more frequently she found reasons to be on her own, and the lonelier she became. It was a vicious cycle, but as long as she had studies and training to do, no one seemed inclined to notice her self-esteem's decline.

It hadn't been their hardest day of training, but it'd still been a trial. For Riku, it had almost been relaxing, and Sora had come away from it energized in the sort of achy, buzzing way he got from a good workout.

“Man, I am going to sleep all day tomorrow,” he announced, stretching his arms high above his head. “If Yen Sid wants me, he's gonna have to drag me out of bed himself.”

More subdued, Kairi flashed a quick grin to keep up appearances. “Me, too.”

“If I'm stuck carrying you _both_ down all these stairs...”

“You can do it,” Sora said, spurring him on as though it wasn't in his own interest. “I'll get on your back, and then Kairi can get on mine. Donald and Goofy can do it!”

“I think I might be a little bit heavier than Donald,” Kairi pointed out.

Riku gave Sora a _look_. “I could probably lift Donald with one arm. A human... not likely.”

“You could carry me now for practice?”

“Nice try.”

“There's like five more steps to the top,” Kairi said.

Sora groaned. “The last five are always longer, I swear...”

“C'mon,” Riku cajoled. “You can do it. We're rooting for you.”

“We'll do it together,” Kairi encouraged, wrapping one of her arms around Sora's. He blushed, immediately bolstered.

“Aw, you guys know how to get me every time...”

Riku grinned slightly, and the idea of suggesting they all stay in one room tonight crossed his mind... but he decided against it.

For all his complaining, Sora easily arrived at the top and detached to fall into Riku's arms. “Okay, take me to bed.”

Reddening, Riku caught him and rolled his eyes. “Say goodnight to Kairi.”

Sora held his arms out to her, and she closed the gap to happily hug him, kissing his cheek. “Sweet dreams, Sora.”

Squeezing her, Sora caught her lips in a proper kiss, though it was as chaste as the one to his cheek. Riku waited patiently for his turn to kiss her.

“'Night,” Sora bade her with a smile, pulling back a fraction. That smile usually melted her, but now... Kairi just _ached_.

She loved him, so much. What was _wrong_ with her?

Taking a step back, she turned to Riku and allowed him to draw her in. She needed to stand up on her toes to kiss him, but she didn't let the contact last. With a pang, she thought that if anyone would feel that something was off, it'd be Riku.

He did, indeed, wonder... but only for a moment, and then decided she must be tired. “... See you in the morning.”

“See you,” she glanced around to Sora affectionately. “Probably not Sora, though.”

Sora rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, pulled from his interest at the sight of them kissing and his own idea to invite Kairi to their room.

“Oh, you will. If I _actually_ have to carry him, you will,” Riku vowed.

She giggled. “I can't wait to see that.”

“I should sleep in every day,” Sora grinned, eyes alight. Riku took him by the shoulders, starting to steer him towards their room.

“Don't push your luck.”

“Every other day?” His voice became less distinct as he was led away. Kairi lingered long enough to make sure Riku had a handle on things, then turned back to her own room.

It wasn't often that she locked her door, just in case she was needed, and it was an extra step in keeping people out. Still, she impulsively decided to as she shut the door behind her, and then she couldn't ignore her shaking legs anymore.

“ _Ah_...” she hissed and slid to the floor, her remaining strength no longer poured into staying standing.

It hadn't been a strenuous workout for the boys, but it was different for her. She was still new. She was still lagging behind.

Unconsciously protective, her sore muscles screamed as her legs were pulled in close to her chest and her head bowed. She stayed that way for several minutes and breathed deep to bear the pain, not sure when or how she'd drag herself out of the position now that she was there.

She wasn't sure she even _wanted_ to get up, even to make herself more comfortable. In a small way, Namine – Kairi – was punishing herself for her sense of... defeat. She didn't have the strength to cry, or do much more than feel sorry for herself.

Her head rested against her knees, heavy arms wrapping around them. With a pang of regret, Namine wondered if Riku and Sora were still joking around and being affectionate, and from there Kairi's thoughts turned to what they'd think if they saw her like _this_.

Turning her head, she started to lightly brush a finger over her raw, scraped knees. She wasn't able to remember a time they weren't bruised or torn or ugly since she'd been here.

Every bruise was proof she was working hard, Namine reminded herself.

Kairi tried to believe that, but by now she'd steeped herself too deeply in self-doubt. Maybe... she didn't really belong here. At Yen Sid's tower, in this relationship. Maybe all her effort had gone into pretending to be something she's wasn’t.

She still felt like that helpless little girl, playing puppeteer and tricking Sora into thinking she was worth something to him. That helpless little girl who couldn't even remember his name, waiting for something to happen without even knowing what she was waiting _for_.

Maybe... she didn't really belong anywhere at all. She was becoming miserable with the worry that she'd _never_ belonged anywhere, that she might as well not exist for all the good she did.

Tears welled up in her eyes, and Kairi wanted to fight them and give into them all at once. Biting into her lip, she murmured to the air, “I have proof...”

Raising her head abruptly, Kairi uncurled a hand and extended it, summoning her Keyblade. It was there, solid and familiar, and Namine strengthened her grip and brought it closer.

Its presence alone was comforting, like there was something in it to remind her she wasn't alone – a memory so old that only the feeling lingered.

“It means I can't be left behind,” Namine breathed softly, blinking back tears. “Not if I can help... Doesn't it?”

Running her fingers over it, Kairi stopped at the paopu charm and, abruptly, seemed to change the subject. “I miss you,” she whispered into the empty room.

The tears finally slipped from her eyes, and her voice became quieter. Still Kairi’s voice, speaking Namine’s thoughts. “We're always together, now... It doesn't really make sense to miss each other...”

Kairi lowered the Keyblade to the floor before letting it disappear. Sniffling, she wiped at her tears as gently as though they were someone else's. “Being us is perfect... It makes sense, or at least it used to... But being _us_ means we can't ever be you and me again.

“Being 'us'...” Trying not to cry harder, Namine leaned into her own hand. “I couldn't bear _not_ to be...

“You're not gone, we're both here... B-but I can't ever see you, or touch you...”

Sniffling again, Namine closed her eyes briefly. “If I could,” she began, and slowly wrapped her arms around herself. Kairi squeezed tightly, trying to feel anyone but _herself_.

“I miss holding your hand... I know you'd hold mine, when I'm like this. I can't -” Kairi choked. “I can't show them, but I could show you... You'd understand.

“... I _do_ understand.” Slowly, Namine's hands ran slowly up and down her arms.

She was quiet, then, feeling her own hands on her skin before she let her arms drop. Half-crawling, Kairi dragged herself to her floor-length mirror and stopped in front of it. Tucking her legs under herself, Kairi stared at her own face.

Gingerly, she started to reach out to the mirror but withdrew her hand, averting her gaze from it as though embarrassed. Namine didn't look away long, meeting her own blue eyes again. “... I remember... being alone. More than anything, I wanted to be with you... I wanted to laugh with someone, or hold their hand.” A few more tears slipped down her cheeks, but she tried to ignore them. “I wish I could have _all_ those things with you.”

She wished her reflection wasn't always just Kairi, never Namine. “What we are... it should be better than any of that, but I'm scared. If we become one person _completely_ , aren't we alone again?

“... No... No, we have Sora... And Riku...

“... You're right. Still, I wish...” Kairi put her fingertips against the mirror, willing _something_ miraculous to happen.

“I do, too,” Namine said softly. “Just to see you... Not in the mirror, but...”

She touched the reflection of her tear-stained face. “I wish it would be you...

“I know,” Namine sniffled, and almost smiled. “I'm a little glad it isn't, though. I think we're prettier as Kairi.”

Kairi laughed bashfully. “Maybe we don't have to agree on everything.”

At last, she managed to smile. “Maybe the less we agree, the more you'll feel like I'm here...

“I don't know about that. I _like_ feeling what you feel.

“I do, too.” Absently, Namine wiped her own tears. “That seems silly to say. You make me complete.

“We _are_ complete. I couldn't be whole without you any more than you without me.”

She was close to tears again, but smiling. Her misty eyes blurred her reflection a little. “I know...” Namine inhaled shakily. “But maybe I forget sometimes. Maybe... that's why being _whole_ feels so empty, sometimes... So lonely...”

Kairi swallowed. “Am I greedy, if I want both?”

She shook her head. “No. I want that, too.”

Tears blinked back, Kairi lowered her hand until she could see her face clearly in the mirror and mentally superimposed Namine's over it. She never failed to remember Namine's face in perfect detail, something that surprised and flustered her every time, to be remembered with such clarity.

The faintest pink tinge rose to her cheeks.

Kairi didn't let her gaze break with the mirror. She was imagining Namine so vividly that she was almost convinced she could see her hair lighten, her eyes soften.

“Almost...” Namine trailed off softly. She could almost believe they were across from each other.

Kairi wanted to nod, but she was scared that moving even a hair would shatter the illusion. She kept perfectly still.

“... We could stay here, for a while...

“I could stay here all night,” Kairi said, hushed.

“Then we will.”

Namine was cautious in folding her hands in her lap, trying to hold them like she'd hold another person's, and Kairi tried to mimic it with her. She squeezed the fingers of one of her hands, feeling her heart swell.

She still missed her. Namine still missed Kairi, Kairi still missed Namine. But she felt a little better.

It took hours, but when she could no longer keep her eyes open, Kairi drifted off there before her mirror.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, a quick note! The beginning of this chapter will make more sense if you've read Parasomnia, to understand the state that Sora's in.

Kairi woke to a knock on her door, and she knew what it meant. It was one of those nights.

“I'll be right there,” she called from her bed, room pitch black and covers bundled around her. She'd stopped sleeping in front of the mirror when she started waking up freezing cold and agonizingly sore, but what she sacrificed for physical comfort made it nearly as hard to sleep.

“Thanks.” Riku's voice was muffled through the door, and she heard the gentle _thump_ of him resting against the wall.

Pulling a sweater over her shoulders and rubbing her eyes, Kairi clambered out of bed and forwent checking on the surely ridiculous state of her hair. Her self-consciousness was a little belated, only hitting her once she'd opened the door, but her primary feeling was concern.

“Has he been up for long...?”

Riku shook his head. “I just stayed with him long enough to tell him I knew what he needed and I was going to get you.”

“Thanks for coming so quickly,” Kairi gave him a little smile and followed Riku to the bedroom, their strides long.

Sora sat staring at the doorway, seeming close to tears, and reached out to them when they appeared in the doorway. His gaze was glassy and without recognition, but their presence soothed him nonetheless.

“We're here, it's okay,” Riku soothed, closing the door behind them.

“We're going to stay right here,” Kairi confirmed, immediately taking one of his hands. She sat down on Sora's right side, leaving Riku to take the left.

Clasping his hand with Sora's, he guided it towards his chest. “Kairi'll take my bed, if you want me to share yours.”

Riku had already known he would. Sora nodded vaguely, though the name wasn't familiar the way it should've been.

Kairi stroked the back of his hand. “Do you want to talk about your dream?”

“It was... um... the place again. The empty place.”

“Would you rather we all just talk about something else?” Namine asked gently. She'd recognized before that he seemed to find it more comforting when they were just chatting, like nothing was wrong.

Riku's other arm wrapped around Sora's waist, and he snuggled up to him at the implicit offer.

“Yes... please.”

Latching to the first topic that sprang to mind, Riku started, “Lea keeps favoring fire magic in your sparring matches, Kairi. Are you gonna exploit that?”

She gave him a look... and a grin. “Riku, you know princesses don't _exploit_. I use it to my strategic advantage.”

“Sounds a lot like exploiting,” Riku snorted. The more casual he was, the better Sora would feel, the faster he'd return to himself.

Sora was looking at Kairi a little distantly. “Princess...”

“I'm a good multitasker,” she said with a smile.

Grinning, Riku squeezed Sora's side. “Getting better all the time, too.”

Flushing faintly, Namine had a brief moment of 'I told you so'-ing at herself. Kairi was flattered anyway.

“That's... good.” Sora still sounded confused.

“I'm learning a lot from you guys,” Kairi informed him, glancing between the two.

“I think we learn just as much from you,” Riku admitted with an embarrassed clearing of his throat.

“You wouldn't need to, if you did the reading,” Namine teased.

“It's... on my agenda.”

Out of nowhere, Sora laughed, bright and bubbly. They both looked at him in surprise.

“Sora?”

With a sunny smile, Sora started, “The master will -...” but seemed to lose his train of thought abruptly, and blinked.

Riku swept hair aside to kiss his head. “Dork.”

Sora smiled in a faltering sort of way, still trying to recapture his thought, but his eyes closed at the touch of Riku's lips. Looking at him closer and trying to guess what he was thinking, Namine wondered – not for the first time – if Sora had mistaken them for other people.

It made her feel... just a little inadequate.

“Maybe I'll start studying before bed,” Riku mused. Kairi snapped out of her reverie.

“I could help you there,” she offered eagerly. “Some of the lessons would actually make decent bedtime stories.”

“I'd like that a lot,” Riku started to grin. “They're bound to be more interesting, coming from you.”

Kairi laughed. “Maybe Yen Sid will let us act them all out to prove we've learned.”

Though he didn't understand the subject matter, Sora was enjoying listening and grinned more steadily at the sound of laughter, liking that best.

“Like a play, or a puppet show?”

“Which do you think he'd like better.”

Riku sounded surprisingly assured when he replied, “Puppets.”

Kairi giggled. “You know what, I think that's true.”

Likewise, Riku enjoyed making her laugh, and rubbed Sora's arm. “Might be a pain to make them, though.”

“I think I can be pretty creative... and maybe if I get a little help...” Even though she knew this wasn't a serious discussion, Namine was privately excited by the prospect. She missed crafts, she missed _art_.

Sora cut across the banter with a wide yawn.

“Sleepy?”

“Want to lie down?” Riku offered.

“Hm?” Blinking as though he hadn't realized what he was doing, Sora took a second. “Oh... Maybe.”

Unexpectedly, Kairi felt a sudden surge of relief, something she'd never had when taking care of Sora like this before. She was almost embarrassed by it, then guilty when Namine managed to pin the rationale down; she really wanted to have some sense of 'alone', now.

She wanted to be by herself, with Namine, with Kairi, more than she wanted to be here in this moment. She actually felt less lonely holed up in her room.

“Kairi can stay in the next bed tonight, if you want me to sleep here.”

That idea made her unsure, almost panicked by the thought of staying all night. “I-... I should stay with him here until he falls asleep...”

Sora punctuated that by grabbing her hand tighter as he arranged himself to lie down. Namine's heart wrenched, as his hand just didn't feel right in hers when what she wanted was to hold herself.

Riku shifted, lying down with him, and Sora began to feel safe and comforted between the two of them despite not understanding where he was. “Mm...”

Her other hand reached out and brushed hair lightly away from Sora's face, tracing his cheek. Kairi's throat had contracted, her eyes stinging, and she couldn't look at Riku right now. She was fruitlessly trying to reassure herself that she didn't need to be so _ashamed_... but Namine didn't even know why this was so hard. She didn't _really_ want to be alone.

“How's that?” Riku inquired, draping an arm around Sora's waist to hold him. Sora hummed his contentment rather than answer aloud, exhausted.

Kairi's heart felt full to bursting with love for them. She felt it, and she was still thinking of Namine even while staring at Sora's face.

Riku's hand reached over, and he placed it atop Sora and Kairi's linked ones.

The realization was still stinging in Namine's chest. Kairi had a manic urge to pull her hand away, even though she didn't _want_ to.

What she'd been doing, envisioning being separate from Kairi again and holding her and needing her – was it _wrong_?

Sora took almost no time at all to drift off, lulled by love from both sides. Riku waited until he was sure he'd fallen asleep before speaking quietly.

“Hey... Kairi?”

Namine's heart almost stopped. Had he seen through her? “Yes...?”

“Thanks for being here.”

Kairi had to concentrate to keep her voice from shaking. “Of course I'd be here... That's not even a question.”

“Doesn't mean I'm any less glad about it.”

“I'm just glad when I can help,” she smiled weakly, and narrowly avoided the phrase, 'when you let me help'.

“Don't know what we'd do without you,” Riku murmured. “Are you taking Sora's bed?”

She couldn't do this. She felt even closer to crying. “I-... Maybe I should go back to my room.”

His brow furrowed and he lifted his head. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” Kairi whispered hastily, but amended in a lighter tone, “It's just so chaotic getting ready in the morning with all three of us.”

Namine was certain Riku doubted her sincerity, but he didn't call her on it. He just nodded.

“Then... I'll see you in the morning.”

Freeing her hand from Sora's, Kairi carefully got to her feet and whispered, “Bright and early, right?”

“Master Yen Sid would never allow anything else,” Riku sighed.

Smile fond, Kairi leaned carefully over Sora to brush a fleeting kiss on Riku's lips. He quietly regretted that it didn't last, especially interested in physical affection as of late, but he didn't linger on it.

“Goodnight...”

Pulling away, regret colored her voice despite her best efforts. “Goodnight, Riku.”

He settled next to Sora and brought him tighter against his chest, and Namine was all the more despondent when she noticed. Strangely, it motivated her retreat more than it inspired her to change her mind and stay.

She managed to close the door softly before rushing to her room. Tears had gathered and she only had it in her to resist them for a few more seconds, her breathing deliberately slow in trying to keep them at bay.

She only paused to lock the door. Then Kairi ran the last few steps to her mirror and threw herself down in front of it, bursting into panicked, wracking sobs.

“I-it's... okay, it'll be okay...” Namine buried her face in her hands, breath so broken up she could hardly speak, but she almost cut across herself.

“Th-this is wrong-...

“It _isn't_...” Namine started to stroke her hair tearfully, smoothing it. “I-it's not... I'm me... We're me...There's n-nothing wrong...

“Do I just... just not love them enough?

“That _can't_ be the case – we love them... I love them so much...”

Kairi leaned into her own stroking hand. “But I want to be by myself-... Be with _you_ all the time... E-even when I'm with them...

“That doesn't mean I love them any less...” Namine continued combing through her tresses with gentle fingers, tears streaming. “... The only reason this feels wrong is because they don't know.”

Uncurling, Kairi put her hand on the mirror and sniffled, calming herself down enough to speak clearly. “I feel the same way about you, I love you just as much...

“... I-I know. I know you do.”

She laughed through her tears, embarrassed. “If I've loved you all this time, have I-...” Another sob choked Kairi. She swallowed and tried again. “Have I been cheating on them?

“No-... No, we didn't know... But I...” Namine hiccuped. “I've always wanted this. I _always_ wanted to be with Kairi, so maybe I should have figured it out...” Her eyes widened. “This is all my fault.

“No, no it's not,” Kairi hastily denied, running a hand up her arm and giving her bicep a bracing squeeze. “I love the parts of me that you complete, and I love the Namine that's in my memory...” Hugging herself, she spoke more softly. “And I think I can feel you loving me, too. It's an amazing feeling...”

Namine started to blush. “... It is... There's nothing better in the entire world...

“You must feel what I do about you, too.”

She nodded a little. “I just... worry, that I'm responsible for it...

“It's not as simple as that. It's more than just you loving Kairi. I know it is.”

Namine closed her eyes briefly, bringing clasped hands against her chest to feel holding her hand. “... It isn't wrong. To love Kairi. To love Namine. But... we need to tell Sora and Riku.”

Kairi hesitated, taking the time to feel her heart beat. She was enraptured by it, the thrum of her own heart.

“... About Sora and Riku... I-I don't know how to ask this.” Kairi inhaled deeply. “Are you not attracted to them? I mean, do you not want to...?

“Oh... I...” Namine thought about it. “I loved them before we were _me_. It wasn't romantic until I was also you. Does that make sense...?

“I _think_ so. But is that-...” Kairi's voice trembled. “Did I force you...?

“Oh, _no_. No. Never.” Namine placed her hand against the mirror. “I love them both, I do. I also love Kairi... That's all.” Her voice became quieter. “I would never want to lose Riku and Sora, or break up. I just also want to be with Kairi...”

It simultaneously more worrying and relieving. “So... when I tried to be physical with them, that wasn't just you not wanting it?

“It wasn't like that, I just...”

Kairi waited. She could feel herself sorting out her thoughts without knowing what she was searching for.

“Maybe I'm just shy... Or maybe I'm not attracted to boys, even if I do love them. The only person I ever was drawn to... like that... is you.”

Her eyes drifted to the floor, and to her legs by extension. They were tanned from extensive time in the sun, bruised from sparring blows, but smooth and curved with the muscle she'd built.

“Maybe it's not you...

“... It would be both of us,” Namine reflected. “Isn't that right?

“If Namine and Kairi's feelings are the same, then... It must be.

“If we explain to them... I'm sure they'll understand.”

Kairi bit her lip. “I wanted to think it wasn't me... I just thought being attracted to them would come with loving them. Now... I don't know.”

She wished she _was_ attracted to them. They were very good-looking, she _knew_ that from an aesthetic standpoint, but they just... They hadn't affected her that way yet.

“We don't have to break up with them, we just have to explain.” Namine wrapped her arms around herself. “And if I-... If _we_ do anything... Um, want to be anything...”

Kairi's cheeks grew hot, but she was still focused on her worry. “What if they don't want me – us, anymore? What if they think this means I want to just be friends? I can't be... less, to them.

“... I would rather take the risk than be unfaithful.”

Keeping something like this from people she loved hit every wrong chord. “You're right... Of course, you're right.

“I don't know if they'll think of it as cheating, but I know we would, in our heart. We can talk to them, and... Maybe, if it's okay...” Namine fidgeted. “I don't know exactly how we would be, but in any way at all, I want to be with you.

“That's what I want, too,” Kairi agreed softly, glancing up into the mirror.

She was blushing that much more vividly, and it was oddly fascinating. Namine couldn't help but admire.

“I always thought... you were the most beautiful person...

“I think I'm starting to see what you saw.” Kairi brushed her thumb over her cheek and realized, with a shaky smile, that she wasn't crying anymore. “I wish I could see you, though...”

Namine gently toyed with the ends of her hair. “I almost do see myself in the mirror, sometimes.”

Her gaze traveled over herself again, and wound up fixing on her lips. Kairi murmured, “I wonder what it'd be like to kiss you...”

It couldn't be possible to turn any redder. Namine lightly grazed her lower lip with her fingertips. “I wish we knew...”

Kairi was starting to feel sort of warmed. She didn't take her eyes off herself as she gradually put more pressure on, never before having been aware of the softness of her own lips, and Namine enjoyed the sensation despite pondering whether or not it would be weird to kiss her fingers. It certainly wouldn't be the _same_. Nonetheless, Kairi put the idea into action and felt the tingle of nerves against both her fingers and lips.

“You'd look so pretty if I kissed you,” Namine murmured against them.

She loved the look of her own blush. “I dream about it sometimes...”

Namine felt a giggle come on. “I know. I do, too.

“Right,” Kairi couldn't stop giggling. “Duh.”

Her other arm sliding around her waist, Namine kissed her fingertips again and Kairi squeezed herself, imagining the arm to be not her own. Her hand swept up and down her own curves, admiring them – her body was sensual, more lithe and firm under softness.

It'd feel nicer with her hand against skin, she was sure.

Slowly opening her eyes, Kairi found herself reaching for the straps of her nightgown. “Is it okay if I...?”

Namine was already nodding, and Kairi had expected nothing else, not sure she even needed to ask. Their impulses were one, desires perfectly synced. Pulling her arms out of the shoulder straps, she shimmied it down and got over the embarrassment instantaneously. She'd seen herself undressed before, Namine reminded herself.

Hypersensitive to the material skimming skin on its way down, Kairi sat back to slide the shift down her legs, leaving her in only her pale blue panties. Gently, both hands started exploring herself, _touching_ , aware of how nice hands felt on her body as much as she liked the feeling of her skin.

Inhaling deeply but quietly, Kairi drifted her hands down her waist to her hips. She locked eyes with herself in the mirror, and Namine didn't want to look away for even a second. She bit her lip as her thumbs very carefully grazed her panties, only barely suggesting a pull.

Of course they were thinking the same thing. Kairi quirked an eyebrow, wordlessly confirming that was true with a vivid blush, and Namine started to slip them down.

She swallowed hard. Eyes followed the lines of her body all the way down between her legs. She was less nervous to look at her body this way than she'd ever been, interest growing rapidly alongside admiration. She forgot any shame or any sense that this should be unusual as she stared – she couldn't remember feeling so pleasantly heated by any sight in her life.

Fingers splayed and trailed down both thighs, and part of her started to think of it as teasing. Namine exhaled blissfully, and the sound of her own voice surprised Kairi with a pleasant jolt.

Squeezing with one hand, she ran it curiously up to one of her breasts. Slowly, Namine ran her thumb over her nipple and almost giggled at the tickling temptation, briefly thinking that this _should_ be embarrassing but it wasn't, really.

Seeing herself smile in the mirror, Kairi tried it again, a little harder. “Mm...”

God, she was starting to tingle all over.

“You're so gorgeous,” Kairi praised, reaching to give the same treatment to the other side. Namine made a breathy little sound, a little stuttered, and her shoulders pulled back to arch into her hands. Kairi's eyes closed briefly, feeling herself touching and being touched at once.

“Oh...”

Absently, Namine drew her lower lip into her mouth and spread her hands out to encompass the fullness of her breasts, not too firm. It gave her a tiny thrill to suck on her lip, and Kairi watched her reflection with lowered eyelids.

She didn't last long before she felt like she'd teased herself enough. One of her hands slid up to her mouth and gave a timid lick to her fingertips, then Namine was guiding her hand between her legs.

Kairi inhaled audibly, finally touching sensitive nerves that had been begging for it. Two fingers glided along the slit; she hadn't expected herself to be so wet, so warm, and Namine was blushing furiously again.

“This is okay?” Kairi met her eyes in the mirror hastily, needing to make sure. “You want this...?”

Namine giggled breathlessly. “Remember...?”

Tentatively, her fingers circled her clit. “Oh,” Kairi picked up her giggle through a hitch in her breath. “You're right...” She inhaled, shakily. “Mm...”

The hand at her breast gave a gentle squeeze, but most of Namine's focus was on the movement of her hand. Her middle finger rubbed tiny clockwise circles against her clit, her own slickness easing the motion, and Kairi put a little more pressure on. She knew her body, and she was more than happy to guide the less experienced part of her through it.

Namine's tentativeness evaporated quickly and she sighed in bliss. Kairi grew bolder as comfort settled over her, massaging faster against her clit and feeling the _build_ , the rise and fall of her chest. Instinctively, Namine stifled her breath to keep quiet but found it a pointless endeavor, gasping softly.

“Ah-n...”

The buzz of sensation surged pleasantly; she was getting turned on listening to herself. Kairi ran her fingers lower and dragged back up, giving herself little teasing breaks between harder circles. Knowing her own responsiveness to her sounds, now, Namine was helpless in keeping herself quiet – she moaned and squeezed again, hips starting to arch with every tiny jolt of heat.

Her eyes roved over every part of her reflection, and she felt even hotter. She wasn't embarrassed at all, anymore.

The sight was beautiful.

“Mn-...”

Namine wanted badly to kiss her, nibbling at her lower lip only doing so much to appease the need. Removing her hand from her breast with one last teasing brush to her perked nipple, she sucked on her knuckle to occupy her lips. She otherwise tried to keep still as she firmly rubbed against her clit, which became difficult when she started to shiver.

“ _Mm_...” Kairi struggled against the urge to shut her eyes. Her eyelashes fluttered briefly, then she managed to _look_. “ _Ah_ -... hn...”

The swell of feeling in her chest seemed to snap the last of her stamina. She pressed into her hand and trembled all through her body, moan breathy and completely unreserved as she was flooded with warmth, wonderful sparks of pleasure rushing through her muscles and between her legs.

Kairi was still shaky even as she came down from the feeling. She relaxed, drifting her hand down her thigh and basking in the feeling that she was glowing inside.

She felt so complete, so _happy_. Namine couldn't remember feeling this close to... herself, she supposed. Kairi's eyes closed, not needing them open now in order to see and feel her.

She never wanted to let this feeling go. Gingerly, she removed her hands and wrapped them around her arms, breathing slow.

Then Namine opened her eyes, thinking of Sora and Riku.

A tiny bit of cold gripped her. Kairi looked into her reflection, starting to realize what she'd just done.

She'd had _sex_.

Touching herself was perfectly normal, Namine quickly reassured herself, but she wasn't comforted.

“Is it really the same?” Kairi asked herself, wide eyed. “I felt _you_. I wanted you.

“... I don't know...”

She was becoming anxious. Had she just cheated on her boyfriends? Did this mean she was attracted to girls? To _herself?_

“Okay, let's slow down,” Namine murmured, squeezing her arms and trying to calm herself. “Our situation is unusual, but it can't be completely unnatural... If I'm attracted to you, or you to me, there may be a word for it. If there isn't, it doesn't matter.

“Can I explain this to them? How could they understand?

“... I don't know if they'll _understand_ , but I don't think they'd judge you...

“But they might not love me the same way after they find out,” Kairi whispered fearfully.

“Of _course_ they will.” Namine squeezed again. “Nothing will change the way they feel.”

“You think so?” Kairi's voice was small.

Namine nodded, and ran her clean hand gently through her hair. “... And, I know... it's not the same, but I...”

Comforted, Kairi leaned into her hand. “I love you.”

It was hard not to feel reassured. “... We should tell them tomorrow... And, explain that maybe we cheated.” Namine's eyes lowered. “Hopefully they don't see it that way, but if they do, we can make it right somehow.”

Breathing out slowly, Kairi nodded and reached for her nightgown.

“... I don't regret this.”

Kairi smiled. She shared the sentiment... but of course she did.

She kissed her knuckle again before she crawled into bed and fell asleep.

 


	3. Chapter 3

There were nervous bubbles in her stomach all through breakfast, and no amount of self-soothing was helping. Distracted in conversation and clumsy with her silverware, Kairi was certain that she was an absolute mess, and the only person not to have noticed was Sora.

Riku had the grace to not yet say anything, probably only because Lea was also at the table. Lea also hadn't commented, though it was more because he hadn't reached full alertness or eloquence; sleep was elusive for him, at best. He sucked down coffee and responded to Sora's chatter, filling what few gaps in the conversation there were.

Namine steeled herself. Doing this sooner was better.

“I _know_ ,” Kairi told herself under her breath.

The plates magically cleared, and Sora stretched his arms over his head, satisfied with his intake of food. Lea groaned.

“Man, I could've gone for another coffee...”

“A morning run will wake you up better,” Riku snapped into 'trainer mode', and Lea groaned even louder.

“Come on, we can still see the sun rise,” Sora wheedled.

“I hate sunrises,” Lea sighed. “I prefer sunset...”

“We're starting with a run,” Riku rose from his seat. “Just to get the blood flowing. Then stretches, then drills.”

Namine squeezed her knees. It had to be now, before she let training be an excuse to procrastinate. It had to be now...

“Coming, Kairi?” Sora gave her a vaguely confused grin, already on his feet.

“Yeah! Right behind you,” she floundered, hastily getting to her feet.

Pushing hair out of his face, Lea trudged along ahead. Riku extended hands towards his partners to walk together, and Kairi swallowed hard as she took it. Her heart was pattering at a mile a minute.

It had to be now.

“Sora, Riku...” Kairi stopped in her tracks. “Can I talk to you before we go out?”

Lea paused, looking over his shoulder nosily.

Caution sparked, Riku halted. “Yeah, sure.”

“What's up?” Sora questioned.

“Come with me...?” This was definitely a conversation she wanted to have in private. Kairi swallowed hard, avoiding looking at Lea, who had a hopeful expression on his face.

“So...”

“Go start on your run,” Riku gave him a look. “We'll be back.”

With a dramatic sigh, Lea shrugged and moved along. “Oh, alright...”

“Over here...” Kairi led them around a corner where she hoped they wouldn't be overheard. Without her hands occupied by Sora or Riku's, she'd started to wring them anxiously.

“If you want, we can go up to our room. Or yours,” Riku suggested.

She shook her head. “This is fine...”

Sora was starting to look worried. “What's wrong? Are you okay?”

Riku was just as alarmed, but managed to keep mostly composed. He wasn't impassive enough for his concern to escape Namine's notice.

“I'm alright. There's just something important I need to tell you both...”

The swell of affection she felt seemed inappropriate, all things considered, and Kairi spoke and grasped for words all at once. “I-it might be hard to understand for you...”

“Whatever it is, we'll try to,” Riku said.

Kairi opened her mouth. Nothing came out. She was suddenly at a loss.

Just breathe, she told herself.

“... You know that Namine and I are present, at the same time,” Namine began warily. “One whole person, sharing a heart. We talked about it before, the way it's different from Sora letting his Nobody _in_...”

Riku nodded slowly.

“Does that mean you can... talk to each other?” Sora asked, trying to keep up.

“Not exactly, but our thoughts are the same, or nearly the same... so I-... we always know what the other is thinking.

“And feeling,” Namine went on carefully. “And, what we feel... is also the same.” Her hands drew away, clasping anxiously in front of her. “What I feel for Kairi is the same as how she feels for Namine.”

Nonplussed, Riku kept his expression composed as he worked out her meaning, accepting the change in her self-reference with only a hitch.

“And is that... good?” Sora was still in the dark.

“For me it is. But... it's really up to you two.

“What if comes down to is... I love Kairi.” Namine had trouble meeting their eyes. “And I love you both! As Kairi, as Namine... You both mean the world to me. But when it comes to, um... sex...”

She went pink, and wasn't alone. Riku's flush flared immediately, but he otherwise didn't display much of anything. Sora just gaped at her the longer she went on, uncomprehending, and Kairi backpedaled at the looks on their faces.

“It's just I-... Kairi and Namine want to be together, the way we're already together, but also the way _we_ are,” Kairi gestured to the pair of them.

Riku was very hard to read. “You want to date... yourself. Date Namine,” he corrected himself immediately.

“That... sums it up,” Kairi confirmed, and went on quickly. “But that doesn't mean I-... we, love you any less, or want to stop being with you.”

“Have we been dating Namine this whole time?” Sora asked suddenly. “Have we been doing... stuff, with her, too?”

Kairi almost flinched. “Technically?”

A look of horror spread over Sora's face. “Nobodies can-... Oh no, has Roxas been in on this, too?! Has he been watching us -”

Riku had noticeably tensed.

“No – no, it's a different situation,” Namine reassured them hastily. “The way Namine joined with Kairi is a little different from the way Roxas joined with you. He's in your heart, but you aren't one person.”

“So he can't see me -” Sora made a quick adjustment to what he was thinking of saying, “ - you know, naked.”

“No. I mean, probably.

“It's _very_ unlikely, but I think you'd know if he could.”

“Oh. Good.” Sora relaxed a little.

Riku's shoulders were still rigid as he thought, and Kairi was painfully aware that he wasn't saying anything.

“... Riku?”

He took a deep breath. “I still love you, nothing changes that, but I don't know... I'm not sure... what's okay.”

She'd been terrified to come to this part. Kairi swallowed the lump in her throat. “Like I said, I want to be with you two, and I want to be with Namine. Just not exactly the same way...

“We can still do all the things we have been,” Namine said, and counted out breaths in her head. Slow, steady. “I'm happy to kiss you both, and cuddles are nice...”

Riku nodded slowly, but Kairi could tell that she needed to get to the point. Just come out with it.

“But when it comes to sex. I mean, full-out, going-all-the-way sex... Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think that's something we can have.”

Riku's brow knitted slightly, and Sora's face fell, still completely confused. “What's the right way to take that?”

“It has nothing to do with how much I love you...” Namine's cheeks were getting warmer in mortification, and she was having a harder time forming words. “If I thought I could, and still be, um... comfortable... I would. But I don't think I'm sexually attracted to men the same way that I'm...” she drew a quick breath, “... attracted to myself. I know how that must sound...”

“U-um,” Sora stammered.

“So the bottom line here is that I'll be with you both in every other way, but sex will just be a part of Kairi and Namine's relationship,” Kairi concluded hurriedly. “That is, if you still want to be together after everything.”

Sora looked alarmed. “I don't want to break up!”

Almost simultaneously, Riku shook his head. “We aren't leaving you.”

That kind of knocked the wind out of Kairi's sails. “... Oh.”

As he reddened and processed the idea of Kairi and Namine having sex, Riku spoke. “I won't speak for Sora, but I don't need sex to be in love with you. I mean, I'm not sure that I... get it, exactly, but I don't care. Whatever makes you happy, that's what I want to do.”

“So... we just don't have sex? That's it?” Sora clarified. He was a tiny bit disappointed that there were... certain parts he wouldn't get to explore, but he could get over it.

Kairi wasn't able to read what he meant, though, and her worry was back. “Yes. Everything else will still be the same as before. Like I said, we can still kiss, and cuddle, and sleep in the same bed when we can fit. It doesn't mean you guys can't have sex at all. It's okay with me if you still want to... with each other. If you do, I'm happy for you. All I want is not to mean less to you in our relationship if you two have sex and I don't.” To her horror, Kairi could feel herself choking up.

She was still afraid they would leave her alone.

Even more freaked out by the possibility of tears, Sora declared, “Why would I ever love you less because of that?!”

Riku took her hand, ill at ease. “You'd never be less to us.”

Kairi closed her eyes to collect herself. They'd be honest with her, in return for her truthfulness. It would be okay.

“... So, we'll have to decide how this is going to work. If you still want me there for most things, I might be able to work up to being undressed with you two, and maybe I could even be there when you guys are together, if you'd like that. I'd have to test out my comfort, though...”

Privately, she'd been intrigued by the idea when it first came to her, mostly when she thought about drawing them.

Sora reddened as the idea filtered through his head slowly, and once he understood he was intrigued by the notion of being with Riku with Kairi nearby. “I'd be okay with that!”

“Oh, but just so you know,” Kairi tacked on, “you're both... technically dating Namine, with us being one person. She's... present for everything we do.” She cleared her throat. “But my-... our relationship with each other is still private. We sort of talked about it, and decided that's what we want.”

“... Right,” Riku said, still trying to figure out how he felt about this, apart from guilt. Nonsensically, he felt like he should have known and never brought up sex to begin with, as well as feeling like he should have accounted for Namine more.

With it brought up, there seemed no way around her next confession. Kairi stammered a little, still agonizing over how to _tell_ them – her guilt clashed with embarrassment over admitting she was touching herself.

Namine inhaled shakily. “There's... one other thing. And I'll understand if you're angry...”

“Huh? What's wrong?” Sora asked.

“Nothing's _wrong_ , exactly, unless you're upset. The thing is... when we talked about it last night, we maybe got a little carried away and sort of already...” Kairi cleared her throat, and blushed brightly.

Riku dropped her hand accidentally as he shielded the lower half of his face pseudo-casually, going red. “You, uh...? With... Uh?”

Sora looked at Riku, not following.

“With Namine, but, in the strictest sense, just with... myself,” Kairi mumbled. “I can't decide if I think that's cheating, but it's really up to you two, so I'd like to know how to make it up to you.”

“I, uh... need a second to think about this.” Actually, Riku needed a moment to _stop_ thinking about it, and he stepped away to clear his head.

“Riku...?” Namine called worriedly after him. If he was angry – or worse, if he was _hurt_...

Sora blinked, staring after Riku. “I missed something...”

Her anxiety that Riku was upset outweighed her mortification. “Kairi and I – I mean, Namine and I-... We, um... We were together?”

“Together how? You're already in one body...”

It was times like these that Namine bemoaned his naivete. “Together... intimately.”

“What, bu -” Comprehension dawned with a blush to match Riku's.

“... Are you upset?”

Sora squeaked. It sounded like he'd said 'no'.

Namine tried to be relieved, but Riku's departure was still weighing on her. He was taking a long time to come back...

Meanwhile, Sora was lost in thought, realizing he didn't even understand how that worked... physically, and getting intimidated by the thought. He wondered if that somehow made Namine his competition, or maybe... Kairi was?

Kairi knew that look. That was the look Sora got when he was thinking way too hard about something. She was about to interrupt his undoubtedly complicated thought process when she was distracted by Riku's return.

He'd managed to (mostly) calm down his gut reaction. Or, more aptly, the reaction a little below his gut. “Alright,” he exhaled. “I've given it thought – I don't think it's cheating, or... Either way, I'm not angry.”

“Are you sure you're okay?” Kairi questioned nervously.

“Fine,” he said hastily. “I'm fine. Sora?”

Riku had noticed the expression on his face, and Namine got an inkling of what was making them sound so strange. She chanced a look down... and then quickly lifted her eyes again, embarrassment back in full force.

Sora's hand flew down to his crotch. “Oh god, I'm sorry! Can Namine see – does she know?”

Kairi felt a little bad for wanting to laugh. “She knows. It's okay, Sora.”

Riku tried to cover before he got any more flustered. “There's only one thing about you two dating that would make me uncomfortable, and that's if Sora and I don't know what's going on with you two. So, I want you to tell us if anything develops or changes, because we care about you and we _should_ know – not sexual things!” Riku's eyes widened, catching the hesitant expression on Namine's face. “Significant relationship things, not sex things – You can tell us about that if you _want_ , but-...” he stopped himself, burying his face in his hand.

Kairi was just as red as either of them now. “Yes, right, of course I'll tell you if anything big happens, or anything changes.” She highly doubted that they would ever break up. “But no sex stuff.”

“That's okay!” Sora chimed in quickly. “I don't think I feel right about thinking of Namine that way...” he hung his head. “But I'm really sorry if this still happens when I'm around you.”

Namine stamped down a giggle. “It's okay... I don't mind. It isn't as though you can help it. But, um, just to be clear, you're not allowed to watch what me and Namine do.”

“No, that's okay!” Sora dropped his head and mumbled something about needing to go to his room and forgetting to shower.

Riku was not yet able to reveal his face. “Of cou -” his voice cracked, and he coughed. “No, of course not. Sora, go shower, you can start training... after.”

“Okay!” Sora wanted to hug her to reassure her that everything was fine, but thought it might be weird, considering his... state. He smiled at her affectionately instead, before rushing off to take a moment. Or, several moments.

Brushing his hair back, Riku found himself in a similar dilemma, tempted to take Kairi's hand or kiss her cheek. “I'll probably start with Lea, but if you want a moment alone – by yourselves...”

Kairi took his hand, instead. “Thank you...”

The touch was all it took for Riku to relax a little. “I love you. We both do. We love both of _you,_ or... you, as one person.”

Namine's heart skipped a little, and she thought she might suddenly start crying in relief. She hadn't been sure whether or not Namine would alienate them, and to think that she was an accepted part of their dynamic...

“And I-... Kairi and Namine both love you _so_ much,” Kairi impressed. “Neither of them, or us, would ever want to do anything that hurts you.”

“I don't think you have it in you to.”

Kairi returned his fond grin with a happy swell in her heart. “Thank you so much for understanding. You don't know what it means to me.”

“I'm not sure I _do_ understand,” Riku admitted. “I think only someone with a Nobody really could. But I do accept it, and I'm happy as long as you are Sora are.”

“I am happy. Totally happy, now.”

Riku kissed her cheek. “If you want to, I'll catch you up on training later. If you need some time with yourself. Not the way Sora's-... Yeah.”

Kairi snickered. “I'd appreciate your help catching up, yeah.”

“Later, then,” Riku drew back. “Got to see whether or not Lea's finished his first lap...”

“He's probably milking it for all it's worth,” she giggled. Riku rolled his eyes, knowing it to be true.

“This should be... well, not fun.” He turned to go, smoothing his hair again. Kairi swallowed the urge to thank him again, or ask for another reassurance that things were okay. She stroked the back of her hand.

“Good luck,” she said, instead.

Riku laughed, walking away towards the tower exit. “I'll need it.”

Kairi watched him go, then quickly turned to dash up the flight of stairs. She wanted to be in her room, at her mirror. All but flying up the steps, she reached her door and slid into her room, settling in front of the mirror with a small smile spreading over her face.

Her hand gently pressed to the cool reflective surface.

“That... went better than expected.

“Much,” Namine exhaled in relief.

“And you're okay with it all?”

Namine nodded. “I don't ever want you, or... us, to be alone. I want to be _together_ just as much.” She smiled warmly. “I can't believe it, really... This is _everything_ I've ever wanted.”

Kairi brushed her thumb over her cheek's reflection. “You deserve it all.

“So do you,” Namine giggled. “You're happy...

“We both are. I can feel it.

“All I ever wanted,” she murmured, and then Namine drew herself up importantly, though she was a little too giddy to sound it. “We're girlfriends now!”

Kairi's snort was completely undignified. Giggles overtook her and she leaned her forehead into the mirror, heart beating a half-step fast. “We are.

“I can take care of you after you've been training or when you're tired... Hold your hand...

“Oh boy, you're not going to let me neglect my body, are you?

“Nope!” Namine declared cheerfully. “Not when you're sick, or injured, or tired.

“Not even when I _want_ to neglect it?”

Namine shook her head. “I would never want you to suffer anything, so when you need to be taken care of, I want to do that.” Almost absently, her arms wound around herself. “I love you.”

Kairi squeezed. “I know. Just like you know I love you.

“This will be okay... The only thing missing is...” Even brimming with contentment, Namine wished she could kiss her.

“I know,” Kairi sighed. “Maybe there's something we can do.

“... Do you think it'd look too odd to kiss your hand?

“Not to me. At least for now... We might be able to think of something more permanent.

“Maybe something to represent us... Like a charm?”

Kairi's smile glowed. “A charm just for us.”

Pleased, Namine basked in her happiness. “I'd feel even better with something like that.

“I'll make one, then.”

For the time being, Namine settled for kissing her fingers softly, and Kairi smiled against them. Both sensations settled wonderfully in her heart.

This felt right.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Their relationship was not a secret, and didn't stay one. By dinner that night, everyone at the table was aware.

Lea leaned forward in earnest, eyes traveling between Sora and Kairi.

“So... how do you go about this 'dating a Nobody' situation?”

 


End file.
